The truth about lies

7th April 2010 - A mad mad world

2010-04-07T07:54:00.001-07:00

They say that the number 7 is lucky.

They say that 7 is always seen as a magical number.

All I can say is that 7 ain't no lucky or magical number for me. At least for today.

They say every year, there will be a day when you are happiest and a day when you are saddest.

Let's see if I remember.

2007:
Happiest day - Convocation day. Awesome ceremony, awesome food, awesome friends. I remembered that it was the 3rd day I hooked up with the the ex. The beach and the drinks... nice.
Saddest day - Somewhere in January. I decide to not see the best friend for a long period of time. I need to forget her completely.

2008:
Happiest day - Have to choose between 6th aunt's wedding or CNY 2nd night. It was one of the most blissful and happy time of my life.

Saddest day - 4th Sept, the day I flew to UK or perhaps, 22nd October, the day I spend an evening on Skype.

2009:
Happiest day - Results day for BVC.

Saddest day - Somewhere in March. The big break up.

2010 (so far):
Happiest day - 21st Feb. It was simply magical that night.

Saddest day - Today. It was simply disastrous tonight.

7th of January I was nonchalant. 7th of February I was carrying a smirk. 7th of March I was on top of the world. 7th of April everything comes crashing down. LoL.

*Cross my heart that my happiest day will change to something better and my saddest day will remain the same by the end of this year.

4th April 2010 - Bitter heart, bitter heart ...

2010-04-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

A summary of things on my mind:

1. Zee Avi is one hell of a singer.

2. I don't love you like I loved you yesterday, sang the band called My Chemical Romance. But, does it mean that I don't love you at all? Or that I love you in a different way now? hmm, food for thought for boring ppl like me.

3. You cannot control the path of others. You can only control your path. So the only way for you to be on the path of others to make sure both you and the other are on the same paths.

4. You cannot discard your feelings but you can learn to handle it better.

5. Learn from Newton's Laws of Motion.

a) Newton's Third Law of Motion: For every action, there will be an reaction of equal force in the opposite direction. (So always keep the actions light and easy - Thoughts and emotions as well).

b) Newton's First Law of Motion: Inertia - an immobile object will stay immobile unless acted upon by an external force. A moving object will continue to move in the same velocity unless acted upon by an external force. (If you want things to change, you act. If you want things to remain the same, you don't).

c) Newton's Second Law of Motion: F = ma. The amount of force is in direct proportion to the mass of an object multipled by its acceleration. (It takes two to tango. You can have the heaviest mass in the world but if there's no acceleration there will not be any force and vice versa with having the highest acceleration but no or very little mass - It takes more than just factor for most things in life).

6. Don't give up but don't put too much hope. How do you gauge the amount of hope to put in? If you are not giving up, then you are already giving sufficient hope already. Any more, the extra backlash will become unnecessary. (See Newton's Third Law of Motion, supra).

7. Friends in need are friends indeed.

8. The Joy Luck Club is an insane book. Superbly insane. :)

9. You know place and value when you start to question it. Just accept it. You are worth what you think you are. And if you are not, then it will dawn upon you when the time comes. Until then, you just have to accept your worth (even if it means little).

10. You know you love a person very much when you start questioning the reason as to why you love that person. It's the simple fact that you can't find the reason that makes the love so much deeper than you think it is.

SO there you have it. Just 10 random thoughts on my mind at the moment.

Sleep beckons.

Oyasumi-nasai, anata.

31st March 2010 - The insignificant truth ...

2010-03-30T08:35:00.001-07:00

I'm using this blog like a harlot. As you can see my tendency to blog gravitates towards times of sorrow. So I'm using this blog when I need it and ignore it when I don't need it for me to vent my feelings. Well, I feel like a harlot. I know it's not true but I feel like one. Ohh boy, I feel like one big harlot. An insignficant one.

Things have been rocky as of late. Difficultly rocky. I fell deeply in love with someone I barely knew. Or perhaps, I thought I have known for an eternity. It's so sad to see myself being taken apart by this very emotion. Yet, I can't help it. Perhaps, as a reminder, I need to remain calm. Calm tjun, calm.

I guess things must change. I can't remain this way. Desperate, Dejected and Depressed. Talk about 3D lolz.

An emotional creature, I truly am.

Ahh, those words ring loudly and clearly in my mind now - "You make me feel insignificant you know."

How I tried to understand? How I failed to do so? And how I find it so ironic that I do now...

Cheers tjun.

30th March 2010 - Deja Vu.

2010-03-29T09:52:00.001-07:00

There are not many times in life which I can say I was utterly depressed, down and all messed up. Today is one of those days.

Just a few questions that needed answers for today:

1. Why do we fall in love?

2. How do we fall in love?

3. When do we fall in love?

4. Why does falling in love rock?

5. Why does falling in love suck?

I fell in love with someone whom I shouldn't be falling in love with. That is the shittiest feeling I think, ever. And I am SO PRONE to this. Sigh. Perhaps she was right. I am just not meant to settle as of now. Fate doesn't allow me to do so. Am I destined to be hitting on 25 year olds when I'm 35? Well that thought is the only consolation I can muster as of now.

Another day goes by. Life goes on. We move on.

21st February 2010 - Love is only a feeling. Maybe so, but it sure is the best feeling in the world.

2010-02-21T05:42:00.000-08:00

The title is once again a reference to a song by Jet. They sang that love is only a feeling. Maybe so, but it sure is the best feeling in the world.

ahh... blogging, something that i havent been doing for a while. i doubt anyone reads this blog anymore. which is absolutely fine with me :)

how has my life been so far... well o cos im busy with work. all this pupillage is really wearing me down. i seriously doubt if i want a life in practice but ohhh well, come what may right.

cny is ongoing and it has been both hectic and pleasant at the same time.

im getting fatter. sigh :).

but despite all that, one thing is for sure is that im damn bloody happier. i smile when i wake up. i smile when i sleep. i go through the day with a crooked smile painted on my face.

today is an important day. without the existence of this day 23 years ago, i dont think my life would have been as awesome as it is so far. thx 21st Feb for existing :).

Just something to share with myself should I read this post again in the future:

Smile by Uncle Kracker

You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that's right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me,
Lets me know that it's ok, yeah it's ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Don't know how I lived without you
Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

24th January 2010 - Two is better than one.

2010-01-24T03:25:00.000-08:00

It's been months... and life has taken a huge turn :). I m happy and I m glad life turned out the way it did despite whatever it has brought me through.

Just a song to share with myself in the future:

I remember what you wore on our first date

You came into my life

And I thought hey

You know this could be something

'Cause everything you do and words you say

You know that it all takes my breath away

And now I'm left with nothing

'Cause maybe it's true, that I can't live without you

Well maybe two is better than one

There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life

And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking two, is better than one

I remember every look upon your face,

The way you roll your eyes, the way you taste

You make it hard for breathing

'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away

I think of you and everythings okay

And finally now, believing

And maybe it's true, that I can't live without you

Well maybe two is better than one

There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life

And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking two, is better than one

Yeah, yeah

I remember what you wore on the first day

You came into my life

And I thought hey

Maybe it's true, that I can't live without you

Maybe two is better than one

There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life

And you've already got me coming undone

And I'm thinking

Oooh I can't live without you

'Cause baby two is better than one

There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life

And I've figured out with all that's said and done

Two, is better than one

24th October 2009 - she's not a princess, this aint a fairytale

2009-10-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

the title is an allusion to a taylor swift song by the title of white horse. i have no idea why i put it up lolz. doesn't seem to mean anything.

anyway, its been a month since the last post to myself. how has life been... well this is the summary:

Work - Chambering pupil. Slavery. Trying to get along with it.

Family - Addition of pups. Ziggy 'Longkang' Marley and Dela Marley.

Social life - Adding and maintaining :).

Love life - Trying my best to forget her. but still get hurt when ignored or treated insignificantly. sigh. i hate love :).

Music - Prime Circle - She always get what she wants. Taylor Swift - anything.

Fitness - Trying my best to train hard again.

Food - Eating too much nonsense and irregularly because of hectic work.

Sleep - deprived.

Emotional state - Generally lethargy erases 'em but can get a bit moody come night but full of zest in the morning. depends if i have to deal with the ex. with friends, usually ichiban.

Sex - hmm.

Till next time.

27th September 2009 - Stupidity.

2009-09-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

Eliot Yamin - Wait for you.

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone,
Girl you could have stayed
but you wouldnt give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you wanted to be

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

It's been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You got me feeling crazy (crazy)
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby
What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

This song appeared on the radio while I was driving home after having dinner with my good friend from Part I. It just kept on playing in my head. So I guess, rather than have it keep on playing, I ll just put it down here. Hopefully it will rest here. :).

23rd September 2009 - I miss Marley.

2009-09-22T11:03:00.000-07:00

3 days back, my dog was poisoned and died painfully in my hands.

Tears, sadness and emptiness. I never thought that I would be this sentimental. But I guess, I am. Maybe now I am. I dont know. But I can only say that its an enveloping sadness. I did not come back to see him die like that. Ohh how my heart breaks.

Just 2 days prior to this unfortunate event, I had another unfortunate event. I went emotions bazooka and realised that I was too stupid to hold on to things that should have passed. The past can never return. If I want to chase her, then I have to chase the future her. That is what I learned. I was sad that day. I was empty. and at the same time, I was relieved.

Whenever I am sad, Marley is always there for me. I patted him. Rubbed his tummy and his scruff. Now that he is gone, who will leg me rub his or her belly?

Marley I miss you dearly.

18th September 2009 - A cup of coffee and a jug of lemonade.

2009-09-18T08:53:00.000-07:00

They say, lessons learned in life are lessons learned alive. I say, life is a lesson. It can be a happy, sad, painful or enjoyable lesson depending on how the winds of fate blow you about and where the sails of destiny take you around.

Right now, I have to say, I passing an ocean. It is one big ass wide ocean. I see nothing in front of me, only a horizon in the distance. Where I am heading, even I do not know. Where I want to be heading, that I might just know. But where I will eventually head to, only time will tell. And time never lies. It does not negotiate too. 'Cos if I can negotiate with time, I will give so much just to turn back time. Not asking a lot. 1 year. But alas, I must be dreaming today. Either that or I might just be trapped in a melancholic mood that somehow affected my sense of logic.

Life can be bitter and it can be sour. I guess, perhaps the best thing is to just drink a cup of coffee when the bitterness becomes unbearable and make a jug of lemonades when life gives u too much lemons.

Until then, au revoir.

4th September 2009 - Between home and away

2009-09-04T02:21:00.000-07:00

Touchdown on the 23rd of Aug.

I miss home. That I can be sure.

I meet the family. They are as they were. My family. fully functional and sometimes dysfunctional. mom, dad and bro.

I meet the dogs. Same old same old. even the new one seems to know me from b4.

I meet the relatives. Some are as they were. Some are fuckier.

I meet the panda. Still love her even though things are not the same. I hope some day, somehow there will be a chance that I can still touch her heart. Exactly a year prior, on this date, it was the last day I saw her in person as my girlffriend. It was a day that tore my heart and left a great imprint there. It's still there. How I can erase it is beyond me.

Next will the friends. Looking forward to see them.

Until then, au revoir.

2nd July 2009 - Elation, depression and reminiscence.

2009-07-02T10:22:00.000-07:00

I am happy. Wow. Got my Very Competent as well as prize winner for top legal research marks.

I am elated. Wow. I have been slacking year long. And now, there's not even a mark lower than VC on my results slip.

I am depressed. Last night I was praying hard for my results. Now I will have to start praying hard for our relationship.

Past. I think of her. I love her.

Present. She told it wouldnt made any diffference if I was here or home. I dont know. But I love her.

Future. Settle things back home. I asked myself - Can I patch instead of settling.

1st July 2009 - Anxiety

2009-07-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

Results will be out soon enough.

Praying hard.

I know I have not been a good student. I know I have not done all the work that I should. I know I have been not that hardworking at all.

I just want to pass.

Still praying.

3rd June 2009 - A glimpse into the past.

2009-06-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

I always held on to the saying, let bygones be bygones.

I am a hypocrite.

I am still holding to bygones. Or are they?

It's almost 3 am here in the land of Yorkshire Pudding and chavs. Sleep is arriving soon. However, just before I get some shut eyes, I got this strong urge to get a glimpse at the person which my past from a year or more loves so much. In fact, I still love her so much. At this moment, it just doesn't seem that she will be in my future. So here I am, facebooking her just to see her smile and her high school photos.

In about 11 hour's time, I will be sitting for my Clinical Negligence and Personal Injuries Assessment. Well sitting is a misnomer as it will be standing... it's an application for interim payment to be made. Am I nervous? No. Am I anxious? No. At this point, all I can say is that... "let's face it. I don't care" about the assessments nemore. I just want to go in and do my best, get out and pass the course in this first sitting. That will make me a very happy man. There are some things that I need to deal with back home. Family, friends, career and the person who is my past, present and future priority.

23rd May 2009 - All shimmers in this world is sure to fade.

2009-05-22T17:27:00.001-07:00

There is no guarantees in this world. That is something I know and have been forced to relearn every now and then, when things dont work out the way it should. Its been a while since I can say that I feel disparaged at the thought of sleeping another night but here I am... miserable every night.

Am I a strong person? Well I guess I gotta be because no sane human being would keep on holding to the pain and sorrow I have to put up with. Or maybe I am just being melodramatic. What I'm going through isn't that bad. Well, to each to his own. You wont get my pain just as I wont get yours.

This year, a new American Idol was Crown in the name of Kris Allen. Well, to be honest he is the underdog but more importantly, he is the winner by something called destiny, fate or luck... whichever suits you. Is he a good singer? yea... in fact he sung my fave American Idol song of the season, which is Heartless. The original version was so sucky that I was rather amazed by the fact that he can sing something so darn good out of it. But, in terms of singing prowess, he is no match for the pitch of Adam Lambert. Just that, sometimes when you are gothic and gay, you tend to lose in some weird way. No guarantees huh.

Things I am contented with today:
1. Wantan mee by Richard. Its been a while. Thanks pal.
2. Watching The Ultimate Fighter cos I love fighting.
3. Knowing that my baby is good and fine. I just hope that there will be a day again I can share her joy and tears... in a much better way.

22nd May 2009 - The agony of missing someone.

2009-05-21T17:14:00.001-07:00

I always wonder ... what is more agonising than the agony of missing the person you love, more painful than the pain of losing her and more saddening than the sadness of not seeing her?

Does such a feeling exist? Well, I believe it does now that I think of it...

Loving her.

They say love is for the blind. But they also say, a person can be blinded by hate. From this, I have come to think that love and hate are both for the blind and are both different yet similar emotions. Without love, there would not be hate and without hate there would not be love. Its a Yin Yang thing.

Well, I still love her. Still love her very much. And that is the most agonising thing of all, yet, a feeling which I cannot let go. I click on her facebook knowing I will be agonised by the agony of missing her. I call on her cell knowing I will be pained by the fact that I lost her. I think about her every night before I sleep knowing that I will be saddened by the fact that I did not see her for the day. But yet, I still love her :). Funny isn't it. I used to give up on love and thought that a person would be better off without it. Now that I have fallen in love again... I don't want to give up on it. Stubborn. Naive. Gullible.

Is it really so hard for a person to hold to the person he loves? "Just forget about her", reason said. "Forget and you may regret, Hold on and there is hope", heart chipped. Both agreed "You are fool you know that. A fool for love that is." Yes. I am a fool. :)

*PS: Exams - 5 down, 5 to go.

14th May 2009 - In my room.

2009-05-14T11:09:00.000-07:00

Negotiations are tomorrow. Opinion writing was yesterday. In between the two, I have to say I am tired but yet still up and going. Just to take a short moment here to say a few thinsg:

1. I love you baby. I still do.

2. I miss home and mom and dad and bro and doggies.

3. My friends here in UK, without you suckas, I think I will fly home already.

Well, that's all... tomorrow then. (I will think of the person I want to see most before negotiating) =o).

27th April 2009 - A day of hating and gambling.

2009-04-26T16:57:00.001-07:00

I dreamed about eating Chee Cheong Fun today. I must be really homesick. The exams are looming nearer and nearer. Anxiety is starting to surround the faces of people around me.

Today, I realised why I should never gamble. I will hate myself if I lose. Hate myself for making that bet. Oh well, in any event, bet or no bet, I am still hated. I sometimes hate myself as well. Hate the fact that I believe so much in love. Hate the fact that I miss home and everyone back home so much. This one year period is supposed to be a hiatus and enjoyable experience for me. I hate myself today.

I will now prepare for battle ...

13th April 2009 - Is the juice worth the squeeze?

2009-04-13T04:40:00.000-07:00

The juice is worth the squeeze.

To think otherwise, is to regret. And while they are many things in life that one would regret, one cannot proceed to do something while thinking what they are doing is something that they are bound regret.

For me, the juice is worth the squeeze. It might not be worth everyone's squeeze. But, for my part, I am the one squeezing. I haven't tasted it yet. I am still squeezing. But, I know, somewhere deep down, that it is worth the squeeze, bitter, sweet or sour.

11th April 2009 - Of memory spaces and habits...

2009-04-11T12:54:00.001-07:00

Spacing out, something I sometimes do. But something that I should not. Today I spaced out many times, when talking to my baby and my parents.

My baby always say, I space out because I treat the person opposite as insignificant. Is this true?

Often I'll make excuses. I guess if I try making more, the more incredible I will become. Is she insignificant to me? Of course not. Are my parents insignificant to me? Definitely not.

Why do I space out? Well whenever I realised that I am spacing out, its because I am visualising things that the other party is saying. Before the sentence ends, I already started to think about it.

My parents were talking to me about cars and the possibility of my Hyundai being transferred to my bro, resulting in me having new car. Before the sentence ends, I find my mind wandering about my Hyundai, the times I spent with it, the places it has taken me to and fro, the people that rode in it, significant and otherwise.

My baby was telling me dates about her exams. I was listening intently. But the moment she mentioned that it was '2 days in between' her 4th and 5th exam days, my mind went back to the time when I was going through her PartII Finals with her, those days of frustration, sweat, tears and smiles as well :).

I guess it is a bad habit. Bad because it creates a misunderstanding to the person whom I am speaking to. They might think I am not paying attention. Sorry mum. Sorry baby. I will change this habit of mine. Listen then think then speak.

9th April 2009 - Living the moment ...

2009-04-09T19:30:00.000-07:00

Life is unpredictable. In fact, so unpredictable that I don't even know what will happen in the next 59 seconds ...

So instead of making speculations as the planner that I am ... =o), I'll take this opportunity to say a few things which are on my mind (& some, in me heart) at this time:

1. Mom, your son loves you despite your nagging ways.
2. Dad, your son loves you despite your nagging and violent ways.
3. Bro, your bro also loves you despite my violent ways.
4. Baby panda, your monstar loves you more than he could love himself. (I love you, baby).
5. My friends, you guys rock.
6. Marley and Lanna, you guys are sure as dumb as fuck but I love you doggies as well.
7. Relatives, I love some of you guys and maybe not some as well. (You know who you are =)).
8. I love home.
9. I love my Atoz.
10. I love my room and bed ...

Adios!

6th April 2009 - Of memories and spilt milk

2009-04-05T18:12:00.000-07:00

Today I spilled milk all over my kitchen when i left my bottle of milk rolling precariously on the bench. Cost me a breakfast and a pound fifty...

But like the saying goes, "it's no use crying over spilt milk".

Today, there were also many things put to me. Things that made me feel terrible. Things that made me feel that I might have taken her for granted at times. Things about memories. I want to tell her that I feel regret. But is regret the only thing felt? What about sorrow? I bet I felt that too.

When I was asked if I remember certain things, I find it hard to focus on remembering. After all, memories come by easier when we just laze through our mind. I understand that there were many things I didn't have crystal clear memories of... but I do have a clear memory of her and what we have done. I just can't babble all of them at one point.

These long harsh 7 months I have spent here has told me otherwise. I do remember clearly what we did. Not so much the events, but the moments ... those beautiful, ugly, nonchalant or turbulent moments we shared. It is all in my head. And everyday, I think about her. How? From the memories we shared ... Before I sleep, while asleep, when I wake up, when I bathe, when I change, when I get lazy, when I cook (especially grilled fish), when I fold my clothes, when I put on the perfume, when I wear my watch and ring, when I eat Tom Yam and sushi, when I make a mess of my room, when I work out, when I walk on the pavements of the streets of Newcastle and London, when I enter supermarkets, when I walk in departmental stores, when I say disgusting things, when I tell jokes, when I scratch my belly, when I walk in the rain, when I sit in a car, when I go to the cinema, when I look at myself in the mirror, when I hug my duvet, when I drink vodka with juice, when my shoulder aches, when I take the escalator, when I ride the lift, when I climb the stairs, when my sms tone rings, when my phone rings, when I look at my phone ... and many more. But I think about her most when I hear her voice. Even though its more than 10,000 km away. Even though I'm not as significant as I was to her.

For everything I have ever done to hurt her, I want to just say I'm sorry. I want to say, "please give me another chance". But I also know I have said this far too often. I just hope that she will give me just another chance. A chance to a man who still loves her and has learned how to love her.

"It's no use crying over spilt milk"; what an apt saying for a day like this. But as I squeezed the last drop of milk from the mop into the bucket, I had a revelation. I just collected most of the milk in the bucket.

"love is painful that is true not to love is painful too; but there is a greater pain: to love and not be loved again - John Fussle".

28th March 2009 - I want to forget, she has already forgotten

2009-03-27T18:11:00.000-07:00

I never know what it lies to be forgotten, as being the person I am, I am usually the person who forgets. But I guess, what goes around, comes around. There will be a day when I will be forgotten by a person that I still clearly remember. Karma's such a bitchy thing. But, I guess that's how it goes.

These days, mock exams are running left and right. I wonder when will Easter arrive. I hope by then, I will be the one that forgets and not the one forgotten ... :o)

16th March 2009 - The dawn of an old love

2009-03-16T10:15:00.000-07:00

5.00 pm is usually a time I liked most. Now it is the most painful period of the day to pass by. I used to ring her just to hear her voice. Now there isn't any voice to listen to. Hmm...

I hate blogging. I really hate it. Because its a waste of previous internet space which could be served better with some hawt vintage porno flicks.

But I guess, at this stage, I will just do whatever I want to keep myself busy. That is, if I still remember who 'myself' is. These days, I feel that my identity is slowly ebbing away. I can't wait to return to come to a finality. Will I implore a stay or will I send my farewell coolly? These questions are constantly haunting me ...

15th March 2009 - The shattering sound of my heart...

2009-03-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

Today is a day I felt that my heart shattered. Into tiny little pieces. A tumultuous day indeed.

At the end of the day, I established 3 things:

1. I am not as cool as I thought I can be.
2. I am suddenly reminded of my old 19 year old self.
3. A long distance relationship is definitely very difficult to keep and maintain.

At the same time, I also realised 3 things:
1. I can muster the courage to do something when I need.
2. I don't like to let fate control me.
3. I won't give up without a fight.

Before I end this post... I actually desire for 3 things:
1. A good massage..
2. A good nasi lemak.
3. A good bye kiss. (Maybe some sex wouldn't be too bad).

The beginning of the end - Friday - 13th March 2009...

2009-03-13T19:22:00.000-07:00

Today marks the beginning of the end of my BVC. The discovery of having to finish my professional ethics file by the 26th just sends my whole melancholic and questions-of-love clouded world to come to a halt. The exams are near. Mock exams are lying around... scattered over the remaining days of the month. I don't think I can afford to muse over my miserable life in these 3 months. It's time to ready the guns. It's time for war... argghh.

Ok, I still feel miserable. Why else would I waste 5 minutes of my precious time to even blog about it if I am not feeling miserable...

But... but... but... I will fight this battle to be home for my:
a) Baby Panda.
b) Curry noodles.
c) Nasi lemak as soon as I can...

Thursday 12th March 2009

2009-03-12T10:39:00.001-07:00

I woke up today with a cringe in my heart. It was because of a dream I had. But it was not a bad dream. It was a sweet dream. The reality is the one which is bad. My reality.

The weather isn’t conducive either. Whether it’s the morning or night or any time in between, the winds ravages my body like soft fingers of my love. However, instead of warmth, I only received the chills.

How do I get by these days? Simple, but yet difficult. In fact, it’s the oldest trick in the book to get by rotten days – Try to forget that you are suffering. They say ignorance is bliss. If you can somehow convince yourself that you are having fun, then you might really turn out to be having fun. And that is how I try to make everyday bearable.

Fun is a word that I used to associate with my life. Even in the most hectic of office days, the most tedious of family days or the messiest of social days... I can still find fun in those days. Alas, I have to admit that I no longer recognise this word. Gone were the days when I can call my love to ‘manja’. This distance between us is tearing us apart... further and further every day.

There was suggestion put to me – Find a new love. I have a reply now, “Easier said than done”. It is easy to find a new woman. It is not easy to find a new love. I might not be the noblest lover ever but I am one that believes in trying my best to fight for the love that I believe in. The price for such belief – pain. Something to bear every day until the day I return to Malaysian soil. How would things turn out then? Truth be told, I couldn’t really bother. Whatever the response will be, the gaze of her eyes, the smell of her hair and the truth in those lips will be worth the wait.